(couragio)

www.rachelwohlander.com

I close my eyes to the darkness so I can imagine the light. I can't come out 'cause I lost my ID so, well, I don't exist tonight and my typing stirs the sleeping demons.  I'll give my love to who ever will receive it, and I'll sit through the monotony if the payoff is worth it. the rehearsal for opening night.  and having been some time in preparation a splendid time is gauranteed by all.  I find you too turbulent just now for the bright bubble I want to make for myself. I'm not talking about dead trees and killer bees, or community pools with Indian ghosts or even stucco cubicles all in a row.  But my smile, my smile... 

It must be preserved without reservation, the situation makes us talk ourselves out of the truths we already know that we know. It's a mixed up ingenious plan to make us never trust ourselves, so that we listen to them.  But I'll hold my own against the drones and try and forget that even soy milk has msg.  I'll stand on the stage and be very brave, and make it look easy to be and to give and to open your heart for a moment so the lift can swell in. 

A guy asks his doctor: Hey Doc, do you think I'll live to be a hundred?  The Doc says: Well, do you drink very much?
The guy says no. Do you smoke cigarettes?  The guy says no. Do you take drugs? the guy says no. Do you have a lot of sex with many different partners?  The guy says no.  Well shucks, says the Doc, what the hell would you wanna live to be a hundred for? 

Well, since I've been chasing ADD comets, I've been a bit inaccessible.  But I'm trying to grow a tail to root me back to earth.  The one-act I directed was chosen by a panel of judges for a "Best of Fest" performance, which was a hopping party, and validating.  We worked our butts off, and I learned a lot, but it was an all out positive and truly collaborative process, as it should be, and I've come out of it with a few new amazing people to add to the dream team collection.  A director I really dig (DTS) came to see it and said she really enjoyed it and especially admired my work with the actors.  The last time I was AD/SM for her I was really intimidated, but maybe she'd give me another shot.  Anyway, on to the next project...  which is the play me and jess have been talking about writing for a year and are now ready to really DO IT.  (Not DO it, not do IT, ya know?)  Been seeing some good shit too.  True West knocked my socks off, and The Fucking Champs at The Casbah and Red Pony Clock at Whistlestop...  oh man, some good nights out.  I'm not saying I haven't had my shitty moments too.  You should have seen me after karaoke last night.  Such a weird night.  But I'm only able to write this now because I'm better.  It's CrAzY time, if you know what I mean.  cRaZy time!

San Francisco was fun; I'm not sure I'm ready to move there quite yet.  I'll go when Becky goes. ; ) But the interview went fine and I'll keep applying to things here and there and see what opportunities arise.  The interview to assistant direct at the old globe went really well too, and the lady who interviewed me was one of the festival judges who saw my show.  So I think I have a good shot.  But the first show ain't even til December so it's hard to know if it would fit with my life.  Who knows how I'll fill up my life.  There's been some petty drama but some treasured exchanges as well, I've had some astounding realizations.  And my sister has had a lot of fun since she's been back, so mission accomplished.  We're filming another Kafka Productions masterpiece.  I'm house/dog-sitting for a couple of corgies at a nice place on Mt. Soledad, so we should party there if you people are down.  It's nice to see the ocean in the morning.  And Casey and Kogey are smelly but fine snuggle buddies if you don't mind drool.  

I finally quit my mostly boring job at Playwrights Project and got hired to create a curriculum and teach creative writing to kids at a totally wacky, non-traditional but seemingly well organized multi-cultural arts center in RB.  I'm stoked about that.  And in the mean time, Andrea hooked me up with a gig to help her friend organize his office on a flexible schedule for $15 an hour.  My head's still a bit fucked, I find my groove and then I get scared...  I'm trying to ride the tide, ya know, but hey, some nights I'm high and some nights I cry.  I don't wanna have to perform for you, but look what I have to compete with.  I don't wanna compare myself, but the people who I win over are sometimes the people who are fooled too easily, and so I don't trust you yet.  Or maybe you really do see through it, that'd be cool. 

Didn't sleep much this weekend. Twenty minute power nap in the backseat of my car.  I have a lot of questions.  You have a lot of displaced love.  People are strange... the world is strange, man.  We do some silly shit.  But I'm gonna keep marching in that parade, because I love it. 

and my play is next week.  If you would like to come, here's the info:

Performances: Thursday, July 19th, 7:30pm AND Saturday, July 21st, 2pm

at the Lyceum Theater. 

Call Actors Alliance to make ticket reservations!!  Reservations: (619) 544-1000

If you can't make a performance but would still like to see a dress rehearsal and give me feedback:

Invited Dress Rehearsal:  Saturday, July 14th (tomorrow), 4pm

at Actor's Alliance.  You can find directions on the actors alliance website.   



Wish me luck....

I figured the sheep at the Del Mar Fair were bound for market, so I sang one of them the Sheep Are Peep song (Jessi knows!) so the poor thing could say someone'd sung to her in her short sheepy life. She didn't like it.  Then I tried singing My Favorite Things to my dogs when they were scared of the fireworks, but that didn't work either.  I feel my musical talents are severley unappreciated. 

Its so gosh darn hot I'm hating who ever invented clothing!

I never wrote about how Beth summoned the rocket ships and we watched the stars set in reverse. Or how I was the only one who could save Dalores from the Harpsichords. I made a friend without my mask, who told me I couldn't dance, but fuckit I've got some heart and some people don't believe in me but I think I'll set em straight. I melted last week in my dirty clothes, and wailed in the moonlight for my mate, but one Blue day he came back and we went to the track and ran free like pure-thouhted thoroughbreds bound for the other world. We sang some songs we both knew and some we didn't and we're going much too fast and a little too slow. Seagull shit cars and baby guitars and the bombs won't touch us if we only breathe each other. What part of the world have you gone to now? And are you ever coming home? I got the bad news about David the Nome. I've got plans. And saloon music. And Schubert. And this will all mean nothing to no one someday. I said my religion was living, and she said she figured I wasn't the first. I think, someday, I would like to give birth.

my favorite part was when Beth's not-so-little-anymore brother Tommy, who I haven't seen in 6 years, (and who will be a senior at the navy academy in the fall) got to the happy drunk state of kissing everything and saying "fuzzy kisses" as he batted his german-irsh eye lashes on the couch where I was sitting and devoted special affection to my knees and couch cushions.  "Fuzzy kisses, muah muah muah."  Beth ushered him to the door, and he kissed all the guests on the forehead, whispered "remember me," and left.  He'll be hung over today at his Dad's change of commande to three-star Admiral, and it' all my fault...


PS- I got a callback for the show I auditioned for and have an interview to potentially assistant direct at the Old Globe. 

I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
but I'm slipping in between
You and your big dreams
It's always you
In my big dreams
And you tell me that its over
I wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
and your restless
and im naked
you gotta get out
you cant stand to see me shaking
no
could you let me go?
i didnt think so
and you dont wanna be here in the future
so you say the presents just a pleasant interuption to the past
and you dont wanna look much closer
cause you're afriad to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had
crashed
and it did
because of me

and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that you're alone
and im sleeping in your living room
but we dont have much room to live

and i had these dreams in them i learned to play guitar
maybe cross the country
become a rock star
and there was hope in me that I could take you there
but damnit you're so young
well i dont think i care
and if i hurt you
then im sorry
please dont think that this was easy

and then you bring me home
cause we both know what its like to be alone 
and im dreaming in your living room
but we dont have much room to live

and Konstantine is walking down the stairs
doesnt she look good
standing in her underwear
and i was thinking
what i was thinking
we've been drinking and it doesnt get me anywhere
my Konstantine came walking down the stairs
and all that i could do was touch her long blond hair
and ive been thinking
but it hurts me thinking
that these nights when we were drinking
no they never got us anywhere
no

this is because i can spell confusion with a 'K'
and i can like it
its to dying in anothers arms
and why i had to try it
its to jimmy eat world
and those nights in my car
when the first star you see
may not be a star
im not your star
isnt that what you said
and what you thought this song meant

and if this is what it takes
just to lie with my mistakes
and live with what i did to you
all the hell i put you through
i always catch the clock
its 11:11
now you wanna talk
its not hard to dream
you'll always be my konstantine
my konstantine
they'll never hurt you like i do
no they'll never hurt you like i do
no,no,no, no, no, no, no, no

this is to a girl
who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey
ya know
you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl
who got into my head
with all these fucked up things i did
hey
maybe
baby you could keep me up in bed
my konstanine

you spin around me like a dream
we played out on this movie screen
and i said
did u know i missed you
i miss you

and then you bring me home
and we go to sleep
but this time not alone
and i know
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
i know you miss me in your living room
cuz these nights i think
maybe that i miss you in my living room
we dont have much room
i said does anybody need that room
because we all need a little more room
to live

my Konstantine...

Ok, this is bugging me. If there is a noun for "that which is capable of dissolving another substance" (solvent)... is there a noun for that which is capable of being dissolved? I can only think of an adjective: soluble. But I just think that it deserves a noun.

Arabic: قابِل للذَّوَبان Chinese (Simplified): 可溶的 Chinese (Traditional): 可溶的 Czech: rozpustný Danish: opløselig Dutch: oplosbaar Estonian: lahustuv Finnish: liukoinen French: soluble German: lösbar Greek: διαλυτός Hungarian: oldódó Icelandic: uppleysanlegur Indonesian: bisa dilarutkan Italian: solubile

Japanese: 溶ける Korean: 녹는, 가용성의 Latvian: šķīstošs Lithuanian: tirpstantis, tirpus Norwegian: oppløselig Polish: rozpuszczalny Portuguese (Brazil): solúvel Portuguese (Portugal): solúvel Romanian: solubil Russian: растворимый Slovak: rozpustný Slovenian: topljiv Spanish: soluble Swedish: lösbar, löslig Turkish: eriyebilir, çözünür

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Click on PQ Punks Part I!

Looking out the door i see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe i'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know

When i'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much i need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

So i'll wait for you... and i'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn

Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come

It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when i slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe i'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong

Oh... lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Well I feel too young to hold on
And i'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage i've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love well i'm waiting for you

Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

The weekend was fine. I had a nice chat with the very large Golden Retriever in human form who singled me out at the awkward party and hid with me in the corner like we used to hide on the side of the house during pre-pubescent kissy games. His tale ain't always been wagging but he's untainted still; it was refreshing. After backbends and headstands, The Anorexic Kid rescued the victims of The French Fry Massacre and Matt spoon fed me macaroni in the parking lot and put on a silly hat and danced beside the bed. His tummy gets squeamish whenever he sees me. We listened to a man with a pony tale and cowboy hat sing about liberty and some coked out kids dressed like Rent heads solicit the stand up comedian for sex. The weather was nice for rehearsal in the shade, but I didn't really enjoy my Mom's stuffed peppers.

On another note, we saw that Bodies Exhibit with human cadavers. Weird stuff.

I know this is the obvious statement of the day, but we can't win this war on terrorism. How can you fight a war of ideas? there are too many fronts. and now they're justified in hating us. The decline of america... maybe of the human race. when we only give a shit for money and ourselves, I'm afraid the world will become a nightmare. people somewhere are fighting this, or at least refusing to take part in it. I need to find them. How do I find them? we'll be ok, jess. our hormones are whacked and our emotions are whacked and maybe our brains are whacked when depression sets in and we see things distorted. I do want to live joyfully- but sometimes I think it's such an ugly world, and I hate those people who put up fences and gates and create a disneyland life for themselves so they can forget whats going on all around them. I'm so sick of living where everything is landscaped and paved and built on. I'm so sick of hearing myself whine about things like this! How do I get out and DO something about it? katie and jock and tino and sarah are all talking about careers in international development, international justice, international health. and i'm rehearsing a silly little play and sitting at a desk whittling the time away until i get to drive the long way home and do more of nothing.

The frequency of the light is different here, the moon hides here. She thinks we don't want her so she'd rather save her energy and shine where she's appreciated. I made friendship bread and realized I have no friends. Nor have I a forum of anonymous nonfriends to exfoliate my heartmoan. I feel judged and out of place most everywhere, but am very good at feigning affinity with strange elements. He is all I have and being all I have is too big a burden. He gets blown to enormous proportions, no one could encompass. He is quiet and tense, I am vigor and spike, so how could we sleep side by side? I'm growing scales and feathers- I'll either slip to the sky or fall off of the earth and I'm rather afraid no one will notice. How have I shrunk since they invested in me? - Their expectations were water thinning my colors. I collected the courage and ran for my life, but they caught us, and brought us right back to the beginning. Don't tell me they've harnessed our spirits! We're no goddamn paint by number, stop prodding and poking us into corrals we don't fit! Don't tell me we don't have a choice! People like us will be phased out, unfavored by evolution, because we are too smart to have children.